you want to travel with him, and you want to travel blind
Dear June,
The long stretch of road is daunting; but it affords me time to mull things over, to just see and just exist. No use in trying to put into film these passing scenes on a moving window, the light peeking through every roadside tree, these mountains and these oceans; they all end up blurry and shaky. Better yet to capture a feeling than chase a memory with a tangible thing such as a photograph. Though, one tries to do both anyway.
There are some thoughts I remember. Others seem to travel to experience things beyond themselves, to step out of their own familiar world, to escape. Yet, for me, it has always been to be overwhelmed by this feeling of belonging to nature - that wherever you are, there is growth and there is death; whoever you are, there is joy and there is misery.
How else will I also remember seasickness; or waking up to a new city, cold and barefooted; or that dread of rejection and finding out I can live with it after all; or a longtime dream finally coming true as I do something as mundane as lining up in the checkout counter or getting lost as I try to find my bus?
Yet, I have realized that not all moments are to be recorded and kept, as it can leave you too preoccupied with the thought of preserving each second for some distant future instead of just seeing and existing. Also, what good is there in going somewhere, in traveling, when as we go, we pack up a few changes of clothes, some bottles of soap, our extra fancy shoes along with our old poor habits? Do we try to discover something within ourselves, or do we simply try to bring home the cheapest souvenirs we can buy from an overpriced shop? This I have learned: flow with water, try not to resist the waves; dance when you can, sleep if you must.
During the past several months, I also come into terms with being loved for being human, and for loving people because they are not some ethereal creature who can do no wrong. There are days I don't share too much about: days when I'm rude to people; days when the mess in the apartment makes me mad; days when I get an upset stomach; days when I'm simply upset; days when I think everything is absurd; days when I get so bored but also at my wit's end trying to figure out what to do. Life is a constant mess and it usually is the annoying puddle rather than the rainbow, but still we continue to live.
I don't know where I'm heading with this; I usually am not sure. I guess, I just want to put together all these days I have missed out on writing about. Or perhaps, to capture a feeling for all these days lost. Anyway, I'm just leaving this song here.
with love,
abelink
Will some memories be lost now if I don't put them into words? I do have such fear. How else will I remember that time I did not want to give back love; or that certainty that some people you can talk to about certain things and others not; or the first time I saw a crater of a volcano so up-close?
How else will I also remember seasickness; or waking up to a new city, cold and barefooted; or that dread of rejection and finding out I can live with it after all; or a longtime dream finally coming true as I do something as mundane as lining up in the checkout counter or getting lost as I try to find my bus?
Yet, I have realized that not all moments are to be recorded and kept, as it can leave you too preoccupied with the thought of preserving each second for some distant future instead of just seeing and existing. Also, what good is there in going somewhere, in traveling, when as we go, we pack up a few changes of clothes, some bottles of soap, our extra fancy shoes along with our old poor habits? Do we try to discover something within ourselves, or do we simply try to bring home the cheapest souvenirs we can buy from an overpriced shop? This I have learned: flow with water, try not to resist the waves; dance when you can, sleep if you must.
During the past several months, I also come into terms with being loved for being human, and for loving people because they are not some ethereal creature who can do no wrong. There are days I don't share too much about: days when I'm rude to people; days when the mess in the apartment makes me mad; days when I get an upset stomach; days when I'm simply upset; days when I think everything is absurd; days when I get so bored but also at my wit's end trying to figure out what to do. Life is a constant mess and it usually is the annoying puddle rather than the rainbow, but still we continue to live.
I don't know where I'm heading with this; I usually am not sure. I guess, I just want to put together all these days I have missed out on writing about. Or perhaps, to capture a feeling for all these days lost. Anyway, I'm just leaving this song here.
with love,
abelink
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