Dear March,

Found myself alone in a part of the city that I do not usually go to. Without steady connection on my phone, I could not look up exactly where I was or book a ride to get myself out of there. Public vehicles were also nowhere in sight. I was unequivocally lost and alone. I panicked, as you do in such situations.

A few weeks ago, I decided to finally quit my job. After going back and forth over the idea since last year, I finally found the reason and gathered enough courage to do it. For the past three years, I have formed habits, built friendships, settled into a predictable pattern of routine, and so on. Now, all of that would have to change.

Someone told me that being ordinary is the biggest temptation there is. To be ordinary means not pushing yourself out into the unknown for fear of losing what is already familiar and secure. As I become more and more of an adult, I get it - change is hard. To feel lost during a transition is hard. To make yourself malleable to new situations while still holding on to your values is hard. To feel like you are back to square one after all the effort is hard. To face the possibility of loss is hard. It is much easier and more convenient to remain where you have always been. But I also come to understand how necessary it is to grow and to let go of things to keep sane. Or to put it differently, some dreams and some ideals may have to die, especially those that have ceased to be yours or are not yours to begin with.  

Change is inevitable, regardless if you ask for it or not. As much as something good can bring about change, tragedies can also inflict it. And in these chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty, our doubts can be more pronounced than ever (like in a blossoming of a new love, or when starting out a new job, or moving into a new city). Perhaps, having doubts is a sign of an eagerness to do better rather than just confidence faltering. And so when change happens, the best that we can do is to have the strength to cope and to adapt, both of which I am still learning to master.

As I found myself lost in such unfamiliarity, in such a place quite foreign to me, I did panic. And it did not do me any good at all. After a brief moment of fear and confusion, I looked around and observed where I somehow ended up. I headed towards a street with a much busier traffic and waited outside a convenience store. There were some taxis passing by but all of them were already occupied. Waiting and not knowing what to do felt scary and deeply embarrassing. But recalling the words so well-rehearsed in my brain, I came to believe that I will get through this: I will be fine as long as I am strong and quick on my feet.

Came across something that I wrote a couple of years ago relating to change:

It's 5 a.m. and I woke up to such a mess in my desk (after a long night of working on my journal). Creation is chaos; and beauty merely a process of selection. Or elimination, however one looks at it. When life gets messy, or when faced with tough decisions of getting rid of things (or people in your life), perhaps something of beauty is about to take form.

And that is one consolation out of all this mess and instability we call 'change': perhaps something beautiful is about to take form.

with love,
abelink